I have created the ultimate conflict repair exercise by combining Dr. Sue Johnson’s work along with the work of John Gottman. In the past I have found that both exercises were good however they were both missing important information. For instance Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight Conversation 4  exercise was excellent at helping couples get quickly in touch with deeper feelings but it was missing the listening/validating piece. The John Gottman exercise we have personally used many times within our own relationship but I find that having each person go over their side of the conflict in length can take a long time and it is hard to get to the “jist” of what happened and the deeper feelings, so Sue Johnson’s exercise offers a quicker deeper solution.

So here they are combined together the best of both worlds enjoy:

ARE Conversation for Connecting and Healing Conflicts

Instructions: This exercise is for processing or working through conflicts or negative feelings. The goal here is to increase the understanding between the two of you without falling back into the conflict.

The belief here is that there is no absolute reality in a disagreement , but rather there are two subjective realities.

This exercise is designed to help you understand these two realities and to ease similar situations in the future.

1.  Identify a Specific Moment- Identify a specific moment during a fight or times of distance when you suddenly feel more vulnerable or on guard.

2.  Identify Most Negative Thought-  Identify the most negative thoughts that go through your head at that point? What is the worst, most catastrophic thought about your partner, yourself or your relationship? (For example: “He/She doesn’t care.” “I am never going make it here or measure up.” “We are going to fight and split up.”)

3. Identify Deeper Feelings – Choose from the list below to pick the words that best describe the deeper emotion that comes up for you in these moments. This is often some kind of fear about yourself or your partner and how he or she feels about you. It may be some kind of anguish or hurt.

4.  Share Thoughts and Feelings- Each one of you takes a turn in sharing your subjective reality about the disagreement including your worst thoughts and the feelings that came up for you. It is important that when you share you try to use language that helps you own your perspective and reduces the amount of blame towards the other person. Example is saying, “My worst thought is _______” or “My mind is telling me _______” or “The story I have in my head says_______” or “My perspective is________.”

5.  Share the Need- What specific reassurance or response from your partner would help you with these feelings right now? See if you can tell your partner in a short, simple, and direct way what it is that you need from him/her when these feelings come up? This need or longing is usually for some kind of caring, comfort or reassurance.

See the common adult attachment needs below:

     I need to feel or sense that….

1. I am so special to you that you really value our relationship. I need that reassurance that I am number one with you and that nothing is more important.
2. I am wanted by you, as a partner and a lover that making me happy is important to you.
3. I am loved and accepted, with my failings and imperfections. I can’t be perfect for you.
4. I am needed. You want me close.
5. I am safe because you care about my feelings, hurts and needs.
6. I can count on you to be there for me, to not leave me alone when I need you  the most.
7. I will be heard and respected. Please don’t dismiss me or leap into thinking the worst of me. Give me the chance to learn how to be with you.
8. I can count on you to hear me and to put everything else aside.
9. I can ask you to hold me and to understand that just asking is very hard for me.

6.  Listening Partner
Focuses intently on what their partner is saying.
Tries to understand their partner’s deeper feelings and subjective reality of the situation.
After the sharing partner has finished the listening partner validates their partner’s subjective reality by saying, “I really understand that you felt _________ when _________ and __________ happened.”
Then they reassure their partner about their need: Example: “I hear you that you need to feel cared about and important and I want to reassure you that you the most important person in my life and I care about you very much.
Remember you are here to listen, validate and reassure your partner do NOT go into defending or sharing your feelings or side of the story.

Partner’s switch turns and the listening partner has a chance to share his/her thoughts, feelings and need, while the other listens.

7.  Admit your Role- It is essential that each of you takes some responsibility for what happened. Each person takes some accountability for how the conflict came about.

8.  Make it Better in the Future-

1. What is one thing your partner could do differently next time?

2. What is one thing that you could do differently next time?

Are you flooded?- If at any time during the conflict repair one or both partners become flooded with emotion it is important to take a break, calm your self down (make take up to an hour) and then come back and finish the repair exercise.

Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW
Marriage and Couple Specialist
A Path of Heart Counselling Services

The definition of shame is to believe that your core sense of self is flawed or worthless, which in turn creates feelings of self-rejection and loathing. People that feel ashamed are constantly afraid of rejection, criticism, and judgement.

People who feel shame have to hide. They don’t want anyone to see who they really are because then…they would abandon them.

In couples therapy shame hijacks the session and gets in the way of people being able to access their softer emotions and also to be able to tolerate listening to their partner’s feelings.

For instance one partner may be sharing that they are feeling so afraid and sad because they feel let down and disappointed. If the other partner has a lot of shame they will quickly go into feeling afraid of rejection (believing inside that they are unworthy of the relationship, unable to be relied on, undeserving of their partner’s love, deficient in some way or another, saying to themselves: “if they only knew about me”) and they will quickly react by getting defensive, counter attacking, and blaming to move away from their own bad feelings. The truth hurts and if you are already feeling horrible about yourself then it is very hard to tolerate hearing the person you love the most confirm that. Who wouldn’t want to move away from that feeling?

Guilt is “I’m sorry I made a mistake” Shame is “I am a mistake”

This is why it is so hard for people with shame to take accountability- they are not saying “I’m sorry I made a mistake.” They are saying “I’m so sorry that I AM a mistake, and you probably wish you never met me and you would better off with out me”

So what can we do about it? How the hell do we get around this thick fog of shame?

Well there isn’t really a way around it, just like other feelings you have to go in it and through it. The thing about shame is that it is all about hiding. It is about hiding how terrible we really think we are. Ask yourself these questions: “What is it that you see inside yourself that you would never be able to show your partner?” and “What is it like to feel so bad about yourself?” Only when we can truly feel the grief and depth of our pain about how bad it is to feel this way about yourselves can we move towards wanting to heal it.

Sue Johnson says “the partner’s acceptance is the antidote to shame.” What does this really mean? It means that if you open yourself up, share how bad you feel about yourself and all the sadness and pain about how much it hurts to feel this way, and the big fear you carry about feeling not good enough, and you look into your partner’s eyes and see that they feel so sad and sorry for how bad you feel- healing does happen- to be seen in our worst pain heals all. Then they reach out and tell you “I don’t see you that way, your not such a bad person, and yes I do love you and accept you, you can feel the relief and the reassurance that you are safe and you can rest in their arms. The person then learns that they don’t have to be alone with these terrible feelings; someone will always be there for them to pull them out of the hole and reassure them that they are ok, or they are good enough, or they are a good person, that is truly loved and accepted.

If you feel like you and your partner get stuck in these types of shame spirals that prevent you from having a closer connection where you are able to really be accessible and responsive to each other emotionally then give us a call at A Path of Heart Counselling Services.

A Path of Heart –Your Road Map to Intimacy

Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW
Marriage and Couple Specialist

Also see below Brene Brown’s newest talk on Shame

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

Some of the information for this article was borrowed from Yolanda Von Hockauf, Core Skills and Beyond March 2012.

Is your partner a back seat driver? Do they seem to drive to slow, to fast, too recklessly? Does it seem like your spouse doesn’t seem to pay attention or have a clear sense of direction and you constantly are having to direct them? Or do you get annoyed when your spouse is constantly directing, controlling and not trusting your driving ability? If so you are not alone almost every couple experiences conflicts while driving.

Driving together triggers common negative patterns within relationships and triggers all kinds of issues couples face around power/control, acknowledgement, values, capabilities, trust and our ability to rely on others.

A common scenario happens when one partner has a hard time being the passenger and relinquishing control. Being the passenger in a vehicle can leave some people feeling helpless and out of control. To try and manage those feelings they will often try and direct and control their partner’s driving and sometimes will criticize and blame them for making mistakes or else completely shut down emotionally and stare out the window. The other partner usually feels hurt and thinks that they are viewed as incompetent or inadequate and may become defensive to protect their self-esteem. This may result in a screaming match or else both people shutting down in a stony painful silence.

So how do we try and avoid this common scenario?

1. Recognize that you are getting caught in a negative pattern and say something to unlatch yourself from the pattern. Example: “It looks like we are getting stuck in that pattern again”
2. Take a minute to try and calm down with deep breathing or visualizing the word calm and breathing it in.
3. Tune in to your own emotions. Ask yourself “What am I really feeling and needing right now?”
4. Take a risk in sharing your vulnerability and asking for your needs to be met. Example: “Honey I am feeling really scared, and anxious inside and my worst thought is (owning our thinking) that we might get in an accident or maybe you aren’t paying attention to when we need to go and I need some reassurance that you are aware and focused and you have got things under control.”
5. It is also important for the other partner to realize that you are taking a risk in being vulnerable (instead of getting angry and criticising or blaming) and they need to put their defensiveness down and try and be there for you emotionally. Example, “I hear you, I understand that you are scared, I want to reassure you that everything is going to be ok and I am focused and paying attention.”
6. Once you have been there for your partner then you also have a chance to share your own vulnerability. Example “Honey, my worst thought is that you think I am inadequate or incompetent as a driver and I feel hurt and afraid when I think that. I need some reassurance that you think I am a good driver and you still love me even when I make mistakes”

Lastly, remember to try and be flexible and give the driver a break we ALL make mistakes on the road (especially on long trips). If you are planning on going on a long or short trip try to remember that the driver will probably make a few mistakes and being patient and accepting of that will create the best case scenario.

Happy driving,

Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW

Hold Me Tight Conversations for Connection- Eight Week Group for Couples

Tuesday nights from 7-9pm Starting February  21, 2012-Ending April 17, 2012

The Hold Me Tight Program was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson (a leading expert in the field of couple’s therapy). It is based on her book Hold Me Tight and the theory of Emotion Focused Couples Therapy. EFCT is now known as the number one method for couples therapy due to its 75% research proven success rate.

This program helps couples understand and escape unhealthy patterns of conflict, increase emotional connection, forgive old hurts and rekindle desire and affection.  A mixture of psychoeducation, video presentations and experiential exercises that couples perform together

Presented by: Marriage and Couple Specialists Robin Menard MSW RCC RSW and her husband Sol Menard RPCc.

Introductory price of $199/couple (regular price $400/couple). Preregistration required. (only 4 spots left) please call (250)863-7863. #203-1789 Harvey Ave, Kelowna BC

More information

I ask all the couples I work with this very question during the assessment process. Sadly, for a lot of people the answer is “no.” This is in part largely due to the type of emotional attachment that they had with their parents. If their parents were emotionally and physically available for them when they were in need (example if they: fell down on the playground, were hurt by a sibling, were teased at school, had a fight with a friend, or were dumped by a girl/boyfriend) and we able to offer them comfort and acceptance (“it makes sense that you are hurt, afraid or sad”) then they most likely would be able to be vulnerable in adult relationships. If you had parents like this then you probably learned two very important things:

1. My feelings are valid, understandable, and they matter.

2. Someone will always be there for me to comfort me when I am vulnerable.

Unfortunately most people were lucky if they were able to have one parent that was nurturing and supportive. Plus our whole society works to socialize boys and men through the “Boy Code” that their vulnerable feelings are shameful and weak. So how does this impact us as adults in intimate relationships? Well if it’s not ok for us to feel afraid, sad, or hurt then we usually do one of two things:

1. Shut down our feelings, numb out, withdraw and keep them to ourselves
2. Get angry and attack our partners when we feel hurt or afraid (it’s easier to be angry then it is to be vulnerable)

Regrettably when we use these strategies we don’t usually get a loving compassionate response filled with the reassurance and comfort we need. We usually get either no response (because were not sharing) or a very defensive attacking response as our partner’s fight to defend themselves.

Fortunately there is a solution. We need to learn how to embrace our vulnerability. We need to learn how to stop for a minute, tune into what we are feeling, reach out from a place of vulnerability, believe and trust that are feelings are valid and that our partner will be there for us, allow ourselves to be comforted and reassured by our partners, and rest in their arms.

At a Path of Heart Counselling Services we can help you get out of negative communication patterns and find your way to embracing and sharing your vulnerability. We offer couples counselling as well as an Eight Week Group for Couples that will be starting Feb 21^st. For more information please see our website at http://www.apathofheart.com/groups_and_workshops.php

Please also check out this great link which shows you a 20 min video all about vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html